Blog 7 - A Proper Send Off

When Danny was born his parents were overjoyed.  They could not believe how precious he was, how perfect.  They kissed his fingers and toes and loved him as the beautiful new being that he was.  Baby Danny was welcomed into their extended families with much jubilation.  There were photographs with grandparents, cousins, siblings, aunts.  Gifts were brought for the new baby.  Meals were brought for the new parents.  And a sense of community formed around the family as this milestone in their lives was marked, noticed, and honored. 

Every year as he grew the family had birthday parties for Danny with friends and family members present.  There were cakes and games, decorations and laughter, joy and celebration of the person that Danny was becoming.  Year after year, milestone after milestone was marked on the calendar and in Danny’s life.  For his parents, the yearly birthday parties were also marking their own growth and evolution, their own aging process, both as people and as parents.  Their lives and the life of their child were completely intertwined. 

By the time he was a teenager, Danny, unfortunately, was struggling with mental health issues.  Depression, anxiety, and substance abuse took him to a place where one day, near his 18th year, tragically, he decided to take his own life.  It was a shock to the system for his family and friends.  It was a blow to the gut that they didn’t see coming.  It was a rug ripped out from under their feet and now they were laying on the floor with no idea how to stand up again. 

Weeks went by and there was no funeral or memorial service.  Extended family members and friends kept waiting for information about a gathering somewhere in a church, in a park, a hall - something.  But nothing was ever planned to mark this ultimate milestone.  No service or gathering ever happened.  According to his parents, they decided against it because “it wasn’t going to bring their son back.”  Along with that, they really had no beliefs about God or the afterlife so they didn’t see the point. 

But what did Danny’s family miss out on?  What does every person miss out on when they decide not to have a gathering of some kind for their person who has died? 

They miss out on giving their person a “send off.” If we welcome a new baby into the world, why do we find it acceptable to not give that same person a send off when they leave this world?  A send off - that is, a gathering of all the people who loved them most, with music and food, and stories, and poems and prayers (or not) and anything else that feels appropriate. If we ignore a departure, it leaves our work as parents, children, spouses, friends, and siblings undone.  It leaves our minds and hearts in limbo if it is never said publicly that the life of this person mattered.  It turns a relationship into a transaction if we did nothing but write a check to the funeral home for the cremation.  It leaves our lives with a vague question mark if we continue on as if nothing is different, as if nothing has changed now. 

Along with that, grieving people are missing out on their deep need to be with others who feel the loss as well.  The community.  The community of family and friends who have known and loved this person.  Whether someone died at 96 or 16, at 45 or 62…  there are other people who will miss them too.  There are people whose lives were touched by them.  And these extended family members and friends, need to honor the life of the person who died just as much as those immediately affected by the loss. 

Where there is no gathering, no service, there is just a void. When this milestone, our leaving of this world, goes unrecognized and uncelebrated, it can seem (from the outside) as if this person was not worthy of our time and attention.  And it is another loss for those left behind, whether they realize it or not. 

If someone you loved was not given a proper send off, keep in mind, it’s never too late.  It’s never too late to invite people together to plant a tree, or dedicate a bench, or have a meal at the person’s favorite restaurant.  Offer a toast and tell some stories.  It can be that simple and the effect on your grief journey will be profound.  Having “done the work” of gathering, honoring, and remembering, we can embark on a future where our person is no longer physically present but with us still in memory and spirit.   We can take up our place in life with this new reality in its proper context.  The grief journey is not an easy one but it is made a little softer, when we make time to gather and grieve with others in whatever way feels most appropriate.